I Was Really A Failure
11 Dec
Like really really really really really really really a failure. I dropped out of college to make music, but then I stopped making music.
Like not even an epic failure, just sort of like a sad, pathetic failure… A real epic failure you could really get behind, like “I tried this big thing and it failed and I lost everything,” no I just like frittered my years away doing nothing and being in dead-end relationships and dead-end bands & stuff.
…And then suddenly I was like twenty-six and I wasn’t doing anything. That just seemed like a little too old to be doing nothing.
I went to therapy with an amazing person. And I told them, I’m just like ‘I’m not good at my life, I’m just bad at it. I don’t care what you tell me, I just want to not do this anymore.”
I started just, like realizing how, I was lazy. But lazy never felt right when I heard that, when I said it to myself. It wasn’t that I was lazy it was that I was really afraid. I was really afraid of failing.
All my life I’d been precocious, and, y’know I was supposed to be smart. And I was supposed to be creative. And I think hearing those things makes you scared, that you’re going to do something stupid or do something uninteresting. And nobody will see you as creative anymore.
I’ve never been given any credit for being hardworking or diligent y’know… So like all these credits were based in attributes that I had no control over. It’s like being tall ‘Oh congratulations, you’re tall’ it’s not even anything to get excited about..
So I realized that I had kinda been so afraid of failing, afraid of looking bad, that I just didn’t do anything. I did nothing. I could claim some kind of safety in doing nothing. But then I decided, ‘Well, no, that’s pathetic’ and I knew I needed to start working against all of my instincts and start doing things.
So that’s where I started a record company and started building a studio… I started to become aggressive and started engaging culture. Which was fun. I’d never engaged culture before that.
All of a sudden I was DJ’ing. I felt cool, and I threw parties. Then one night I went to go see a band and somebody else was kinda playing the records I was playing and like nobody else was playing the records I was playing, y’know, that was my thing… So I got really mad and I got really defensive. I was like “Wha- who the hell is this? Some 22-year-old…”
And I got really embarrassed, being like ‘These aren’t your records, you didn’t make them, you just play them… You just own them, you can’t be proud of yourself for just owning them.’
But I was mad at the same time, because I was like ‘No, I know that kid was at one of my parties’ and it was a really dense conflict that I couldn’t resolve, and that’s where “Losing My Edge” came from…
This appears to have been created by somebody and posted on tumblr, but the original poster must have deleted their blog and just left this work behind. So sorry I can’t attribute it.
It came from this… I didn’t have a good answer, but I was angry. But I was also really pathetic for being angry. But also kind of, there wasn’t really a right or wrong, y’know I was right and wrong and this kid was right and wrong. Everybody who was there was right and wrong. And it felt really dense, and like easy to write from, easy to make something from.
And, so, I made that song and everybody thought it was terrible. I remember playing it for people and they’d give you this face…like (does a speechless sort of reaction)…Y’know kinda like they don’t want to say anything and then ask you like about technical things, like ‘Oh, what’s the, what are the drums?’ and you’re like ‘Ok, you don’t like this.’
It was the first time I’d made music where I wasn’t trying to be another thing that I was supposed to be. I was just trying to be myself as much as I possibly could, and I was actually rewarded for it, which was remarkable.
This was transcribed by me, Joshua S Lundquist from a video interview with James Murphy of LCD Soundsystem, for Swedish online mag PSL.
I hope they don’t hunt me down and punish me for posting this, I really am not intending to capitalize on James Murphy’s fame or PSL. I imagine the interview, despite not being transcribed, is still copyrighted. But it’s a great interview and I think what he says is important for a lot of people these days. Or just important for a lot of people my age to hear. I hope James Murphy would agree… Maybe I’ll mail him and ask if it’s ok to publish this…
Wow…that was pretty inspiring from the fact that I felt that for the vast majority of my twenties. I started making & distributing music when I was about 12 then I figured when I was 18 I’d be living the life.
Flash forward to my early twenties: playing small bars/clubs…recording and releasing albums. Never seeing the results I wanted. Hell, I lived around almost nothing but musicians but I never felt comfortable completely. I felt like the kid that is let into the group because people don’t want to feel like dicks. Once the cold knuckles of life and reality got done pummeling me I began to realize that it was probably my approach. I didn’t want to learn theory, and didn’t know anything technical about the craft, only what I had pieced together over the years. I was afraid that it was change my whole self-taught style.
Now, while I’m still very far from where I want to be, I can see a trajectory both in my learning, skill, and professionalism. Things that seemed impossible years ago are now plausible, and due to some catastrophically bad decisions years ago, I pretty much have nothing to lose. However, to some degree I’m still terrified of failure, or more accurately, not being remembered. When I’m gone, the music/art/whatever dies as well which I think for an artists is worse than death itself.
Hey Js One, thanks for the comment. And I think your story is a pretty familiar one. Still, you must have a ton of wisdom about making stuff if you’ve been making music since you were 12! I was still making tape dub remixes of Kriss Kross singles then, ha.
The thing is, I think anyone I’ve met who is genuinely into it for the music isn’t focused on appearing ‘cool’ (as in appearing larger than life), and usually the image / reputation upkeep thing eludes those of us into just making.
Maybe that’s the story I tell myself, though, haha. I hear you on not wanting to go to school to ruin your self-taught style.
I still sneak in tutorials when I can, though. And I don’t think learning the ‘music biz’ as it has been up until now has much relevance, now it’s all about taking the reigns on your own and promoting your stuff. Still it’s all a learning process.
I hear you on the not being remembered tip. I don’t know why I have that, I think I need to constantly define ‘remembered by who?’ and ‘what does success look like?’ If I can let go of the fear of not being known / desire to be known to some degree, will that actually free me a bit to explore?
Or is it a cop out / excuse to stop striving? Can I strive without putting pressure on myself?
One last thing I forgot to mention was the ‘cool 10%’ as mentioned in the video. I still have somewhat of a problem accepting the concept. The rational part of my brain knows it to be true…logically it’s has to be true. However, I think it’s party the nature of what I do not being mainstream, or based on anything trending in a contemporary sense. My points of reference in my style and influences being extremely obscure and almost always from the past. Just gotta keep searchin’ I guess.
Yeah I wanted to point out that the definition of ‘cool’ depends on the person. So to me, a person who gets most excited about a very specific genre / era of music (lboogie / funk / r&b / modern soul specifically from the late 70′s early 80′s) you would be the definition of a cool person, because we have common ground and you know about this thing so few people know about.
But I agree, people into the above aren’t going to be at every party. Which is why the internet is great, and I think because we are kind of rare it’s more of a reason to really engage each other.
And speaking of keepin on searchin’, dedicate this song to you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56ODxYI-4j8&feature=youtu.be